Parenting, It gets easier right?

I was recently asked this question by a new mother. This mother was sleep deprived and parenting a high needs infant. “Please tell me it gets easier!” she pleaded. As a doula I helped her through the moment. I told her just what she needed to hear. I assured her that her baby would eventually sleep, through the night, without a boob in her mouth, even in her own room! I promised her this would not last forever. That was the truth, it will pass. As a mom of five boys ranging in ages from ten months to 21 years, what I could not do is tell her it gets easier. That would be a lie! That is right. Parenting simply does not get any easier as your children get older, it only gets different.

It is true, you will no longer have to stay up all night with a fussy or teething baby. You will no longer function as an all night diner to a little eating machine..with teeth.... when you should be sleeping. You will instead, perhaps, be up all night with worry. You will be up with worry about the choices that your “adult” child is making. Choices that you do NOT agree with and that you can NOT control. You will no longer deal with a two year old's temper tantrum over how you sliced his sandwich. It will be replaced with dealing with a teenager telling you he thinks you did a lousy job parenting him. No more will you battle constant toddler boo boos and bonks. They will be replaced with teen skateboard accidents and fender benders. You will no longer feel sadness for your pre-schooler being left out of games. You will feel sadness (and likely anger) when another tween child calls yours “pathetic” to his face. Gone are the tears as they go off to kindergarten, Here are the tears as they go off to college.

The trials simply do not go away, they just take a different shape. What also does not go away is the love you feel for them. You will continue to have moments when you feel your heart will burst with love! The moment of their first smile, their first steps, or the moment they are accepted into a top math and science high school. Your chest will swell with pride when a stranger stops at your table in a restaurant to tell you how well behaved, polite and articulate your three year old is. It will again swell with pride when an acquaintance tells you of her favorite Barista (in a coffee shop 2 plus hours away). She will tell you how genuinely kind he is, how he exudes peace and happiness. She will tell you how she discovered he was your son! Peace while you catch frogs is replaced with peace while you sing show toons and sip coffee. Joy while you play peek-a-boo, replaced with Joy while you watch him at work from a distance.

What will also never change is how strong your memories will be. Your memories of rocking and nursing them to sleep and staring at their little faces will be burned into you mind. Your memories of a teenage boy randomly hugging you while you cook dinner and telling you how much he loves you will always be with you. You will never forget when he said “lub you” or when he calls from his new apartment to say “thanks for teaching me how to clean”. Parenting, unfortunately, does not get any easier. Remarkably, it also does not get any less rewarding.

Here is Penny Simkin's take on Partners and Doulas

 

Myths about (Partners) and Doulas

by PENNY SIMKIN PT
One Question heard a lot is what about Dad? Will a Doula take his role? I hope to be able to answer those concerns with the below information:

Myth # 1 - If a woman has her partner, the Doula becomes redundant.

Reality - The Doula may be the only person at the labour besides the partner who is there solely for the emotional well-being of the woman.

The nurse the doctor the midwife have other priorities that compete with the emotional care of the woman: for example, breaks, shift change, clinical responsibilities, office hours and hospital policies. The doula has few or no other priorities. She stays through shift changes, and until after the baby is born. She is not just another stranger with the couple. She has the woman's needs as her sole priority. In some cases, the couple will bring several other friends or family members into labour with them. Sometimes these people can be uncertain of how to help which leads to confusion and actually adds to the woman's stress. The doula can direct and coordinate the efforts of a group of people, giving them all something to do, so they work as a team on the woman's behalf.

Myth # 2 - The doula "takes over", displacing the partner and interferes with their intimate experience.

Reality - The doula can actually bring the couple closer.

By making sure that the partner's needs are met (food, drink, occasional back rubs, and reassurance), the woman and her partner can work more closely together. The doula allows for the partner to participate at his own comfort level. Some partners prefer to be there only to witness the birth of their child and to share in this experience with the woman that they love. They may not want to play an active role and do not want to be responsible for the woman's comfort and emotional security. The doula can fill in and allow the partner to participate as he wishes, without leaving the woman's needs unmet. When the partner chooses to be the major source of emotional support, the doula can supplement his or her efforts by running errands, making suggestions for comfort measures, and offering words of reassurance and comfort. During a long tiring labour, she can give the partner a break for a brief rest or change of scene. While the doula probably knows more than the partner about birth, hospitals, and maternity care, the partner knows more about the woman's personality, likes and dislikes, and needs. Moreover, he loves the woman more than anyone else there. The combined contributions of partner and doula, along with a competent, considerate and caring staff gives the woman the best chance of an optimal outcome.

Myth # 3 - The doula has her own beliefs about how birth should go and imposes it on the woman or couple.

Reality - The doula's true agenda is to help ensure that the woman's or couple's agenda is acknowledged and followed as much as possible.

If the doula is thoroughly familiar with the couple's wishes and their plan, she may actually think more about it than the couple, especially when labour is intense and things are happening rapidly. The doula can remind the staff or the couple of some items on the birth plan that are forgotten, but which might later be important. Sometimes if a birth plan is not followed, the couple later looks back with regret or disappointment. The doula helps with decision making by asking questions that will ensure that the right information is given to the woman or couple so that they can make an informed decision. She may also suggest alternatives for the couple to consider. She does not, however, make decisions for the couple.
In summary, the doula helps make the birth experience to be as rewarding and satisfying as possible. As one father said, " I heaved a big sigh of relief when she (the doula) walked in. I hadn't realized how much pressure I had been feeling. She not only calmed my wife, she calmed me down."

Penny Simkin, PT, is a physical therapist who has specialized in childbirth education since 1968. Among her books are Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn: The Complete Guide , now in its third edition, The Birth Partner: Everything You Need to Know to Help a Woman Through Childbirth, Episiotomy and the Second Stage of Labor, and most recently, The Labor Progress Handbook: Primary Interventions to Prevent and Treat Dystocia, with Ruth Ancheta. She has written chapters for three major medical textbooks, and a series of materials on pain medications and comfort measures for childbirth has recently been published by Childbirth Graphics.
Currently, Ms. Simkin serves on several boards of consultants and editorial boards, including the journal, Birth: Issues in Perinatal Care; the International Childbirth Education Association; and the Seattle Midwifery School, where she also teaches. She is a founder of the Pacific Association for Labor Support (PALS), Doulas of North America (DONA), and trains doulas and doula trainers. Her practice consists of childbirth education, birth counseling, and labor support, combined with a busy schedule of conferences and workshops.

Copyright 1999 Penny Simkin.

What's in a Doula's Fee....

(adapted from gentlebirth.org)
 
Question:  How do you set your fees?

 Answer:  The economics of professional labor support work are a mystery to many people; I offer this information so that you'll have a better idea of what you're paying for:  

Hours - Couples having a first baby may imagine that I'll only be spending a few hours with them during the labor and birth.  In reality, an eight-hour labor would be considered pretty zippy; most first labors last longer than 14 hours Average time spent with a woman for her labor and birth is about 16 hours.  I spend another 7 hours in prenatal and postpartum meetings, and another hour or two in phone calls, plus an additional 4-8 hours traveling. My fee translates to an hourly rate of about $20 per hour, before expenses and self-employment taxes.  

Clients per Week - When I make a commitment to be available to attend you in labor, I have to limit the number of clients I put on my calendar so as to avoid birth conflicts and to ensure that I am reasonably rested when you go into labor.  The rule of thumb for birth professionals providing in-home services is that one client per week is a full schedule.  Since most of my clients are first-time mothers, I find that 2 clients per month is a full-time workload.  

Clients per Year - When I put your due date on my calendar, I commit to being available two weeks before hand and two weeks after that date.  This means that when I schedule a two-week vacation, I have to add another four weeks during which I cannot accept clients.  A full calendar is 24 clients per year; in reality, there are some weeks where I have to turn clients away and then there are other weeks where I have no births on the calendar.  

Consultant Factor - The rule of thumb is that a self-employed professional's income is only half of what they earn, after deductions for vacation and sick time, self-employment taxes, health insurance, and business expenses. As you may imagine, my communication expenses are high - cell phone, tablet, and Internet connection, ; I also have routine professional and office expenses and unusual transportation and supplies expenses.   

Putting It All Together - The annual income of someone providing labor support services with a responsible client load and a strong commitment to being available for your birth is 1/2 the number of clients per year times their fee per client.  This is about 12 times the fee per client, and, yes, that's before taxes, including extra self-employment taxes.  Although I am dedicated to this work, being on-call all the time requires a very high level of personal sacrifice, including a willingness to be called awake after half an hour of sleep to go attend a labor for the next 40 hours.  Some clients may have some kind of early labor which starts and stops, resulting in two trips to their home and being called awake twice.  I may have to leave a child's performance, or a family event.  I never know what I'm going to encounter at a particular labor - I may end up wearing out my body supporting the woman in different birth positions; I may end up holding a vomit bowl for someone vomiting with every contraction during transition. Given all this, I'm sure you can see how my fee is not as much as it may seem at first glance.  

Bottom Line - Nobody's getting rich doing labor support work.  I wish I could offer my services at a rate than everyone can afford, but that would require that I make even greater financial sacrifices than I am already making to do this work.  I am a self-supporting professional, and my options are to earn a living wage working with birth or pursue more conventional employment, which would pay much more.  There are people offering doula services at significantly reduced prices.  They are either offering significantly reduced services, or are basically offering charity.  If you need charity, I encourage you to get labor support however you can; otherwise, you are doing future birthing women a disservice by making labor support an underpaid profession that cannot attract or keep talented, skilled individuals.  If you end up selecting a doula who is undercharging for her services, I strongly encourage you to pay her more than she is asking; otherwise, she may not be around to help you with your next child.
 adapted from gentlebirth.org