Parenting, It gets easier right?

I was recently asked this question by a new mother. This mother was sleep deprived and parenting a high needs infant. “Please tell me it gets easier!” she pleaded. As a doula I helped her through the moment. I told her just what she needed to hear. I assured her that her baby would eventually sleep, through the night, without a boob in her mouth, even in her own room! I promised her this would not last forever. That was the truth, it will pass. As a mom of five boys ranging in ages from ten months to 21 years, what I could not do is tell her it gets easier. That would be a lie! That is right. Parenting simply does not get any easier as your children get older, it only gets different.

It is true, you will no longer have to stay up all night with a fussy or teething baby. You will no longer function as an all night diner to a little eating machine..with teeth.... when you should be sleeping. You will instead, perhaps, be up all night with worry. You will be up with worry about the choices that your “adult” child is making. Choices that you do NOT agree with and that you can NOT control. You will no longer deal with a two year old's temper tantrum over how you sliced his sandwich. It will be replaced with dealing with a teenager telling you he thinks you did a lousy job parenting him. No more will you battle constant toddler boo boos and bonks. They will be replaced with teen skateboard accidents and fender benders. You will no longer feel sadness for your pre-schooler being left out of games. You will feel sadness (and likely anger) when another tween child calls yours “pathetic” to his face. Gone are the tears as they go off to kindergarten, Here are the tears as they go off to college.

The trials simply do not go away, they just take a different shape. What also does not go away is the love you feel for them. You will continue to have moments when you feel your heart will burst with love! The moment of their first smile, their first steps, or the moment they are accepted into a top math and science high school. Your chest will swell with pride when a stranger stops at your table in a restaurant to tell you how well behaved, polite and articulate your three year old is. It will again swell with pride when an acquaintance tells you of her favorite Barista (in a coffee shop 2 plus hours away). She will tell you how genuinely kind he is, how he exudes peace and happiness. She will tell you how she discovered he was your son! Peace while you catch frogs is replaced with peace while you sing show toons and sip coffee. Joy while you play peek-a-boo, replaced with Joy while you watch him at work from a distance.

What will also never change is how strong your memories will be. Your memories of rocking and nursing them to sleep and staring at their little faces will be burned into you mind. Your memories of a teenage boy randomly hugging you while you cook dinner and telling you how much he loves you will always be with you. You will never forget when he said “lub you” or when he calls from his new apartment to say “thanks for teaching me how to clean”. Parenting, unfortunately, does not get any easier. Remarkably, it also does not get any less rewarding.